How to Find Your Soft Girl Era After Dating Disappointments

Dear Ask & Heal,

How Can I Get My Soft Girl Era When Dating Has Been a Disaster?

Q:
Everyone’s talking about the soft girl era, but after so many disappointing relationships, I don’t know how to get there. How can I step into softness without depending on someone else to ‘rescue’ me?

A: So many men and even women are out here saying,
“If a man protects and provides, a woman would be able to submit.”

But let’s be real.
There’s no such thing as submission in a connection that’s actually healthy.

This? It’s supposed to be equal.
It’s supposed to be balanced.

Both people need to be open to vulnerability.
And most of the time?
Men aren’t allowing themselves to go there.

And women
Especially women who’ve been through emotional pain, instability, and disrespect in relationships
They’re not lining up to submit either.

So now what?
We’ve got a plug and an outlet
But nothing’s connecting.

And even when they try?
If either one’s got a shortage…
That connection’s gonna be unstable.
Glitching.
Sparking.
Malfunctioning.

And then?
Folks mad. 😡

But it ain’t about submission.
It’s about connection.
It’s not about one person yielding.
It’s about both people showing up fully.

This is partnership.
This is grown.

The Myth of Survival Mode

Now let’s talk about this other idea that’s floatin’ around:
That a man can take a woman out of survival mode.

Listen…
That thought?
Not logical.

Whether you’re a man or a woman
We’re all predator and prey.
We’ve all been shaped by pain, fear, and conditioning.
Survival mode is in us.

Some folks out here talking about a “soft girl era.”
And I get it.
The desire to be protected, to rest, to feel safe.

But the truth?
That softness doesn’t come from someone else doing the work for you.
That softness comes from learning how to regulate yourself.

Because yeah
You might be able to observe, to breathe,
To drop your guard for a moment.

But the second someone gets out of pocket?
You’re back to a thousand.

And they will get out of pocket.
Because conflict is inevitable.

What matters isn’t avoiding it
It’s working through it.

Nobody can take you out of survival mode.
But you can learn how to balance your reactions.
How to feel your feelings without letting them control you.

The Real Work

As a woman
You gotta regulate your emotions,
and your money.

Depending on somebody else to save you?
That’s not love.
That’s psychological laziness.

You don’t need a rescuer.
You need a partner.

Somebody to share the weight,
the love,
the healing,
the responsibilities.

Somebody who loves you when you’re doing 95 on the highway…
and when you’re crawling at 25.

And women
We gotta show up for our men too.
We gotta assist them just like we want them to assist us.

Because men need to feel loved,
cared for,
supported,
and secure.

If we—you—I—
are trying to maximize the benefit of the connection
spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and financially
we have to work together.

Period.

A Call to Reflect

And whatever you learned about love and relationships
from family, friends, church, trauma, TV…
I dare you to reflect on it.

I dare you to sit with yourself.
Do the introspection.
Challenge what you know.
Challenge what you need.
Challenge what you desire.
And challenge how you perform in connection.

Because at the end of the day
Your thoughts,
and your actions,
have to align
with the kind of soul connection
you say you want.

🎙️ Want more on this conversation?
Please check out the full Soft Girl Era video on The Unseen and the Unheard Podcast now streaming on YouTube.
👉 Watch here
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D